Firsts

I recently saw a movie about a girl who breaks up with her boyfriend.  She thinks it is going to be wonderful but before long she is miserable and all she can think of is either getting back with her boyfriend or getting a new one.  She moves into a little apartment.  When she first moves in, the place is filled with all the necessities of life, but there is very little of her in there.  She doesn’t think she will stay so she doesn’t invest herself in it. Over time, through a period of self-discovery, she finds a way to really settle into her life and to really enjoy it.  To be invested in the life that she is living now and by the end of the movie, her little apartment is filled with all sorts of little touches that reflect her personality and the life she is living. 

Today this sat with me.  I think that for the first time since I was married all those almost 15 years ago, I am feeling ready to really invest in the place that I live now.  I don’t look at housing ads and long to be moving to new and better pastures.  I am really settling into the life I am living now.  So instead of living in a home that could only generously be called, hand-me-down chic, I am investing a little at a time and effort into making this my home.  In the past, I never felt settled, so it felt silly to spend and lot of time, effort, and money into improving things in a place I probably wasn’t going to stay.  But now, I am doing things I have never done before.  I am investing in my home, in my life and in myself.

 And so now, I find myself standing at my sink, looking out the window and smiling out at the open fields and the laundry blowing on the line. I drive through town, past all the familiar landmarks,step out of the van at my doorstep I take a deep breath of pure satisfaction.  I wave at my neighbors and feel real genuine affection for them.  Things in the house are not exactlythe way I want them to but, for the first time, I can see a time when this home will be filled with touches that truly reflect my personality and my life.  It took me almost 44 years but I can honestly say that I am happy with the skin, the home, and the life I am in.

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