I got a call regarding Little Prince today. The developmental clinic wanted me to answer some questions regarding his early development and his language regression. I find it so stressful to answer those types of questions. I feel like I am being tested on things he did 2 years ago and if I answer wrong, I am going to be in trouble, like his autism diagnosis will be my fault. By the time I got off the phone, I just wanted to cry.
I want to answer correctly, but I don’t know. I don’t know if he suddenly stopped saying the two or three words he said or if it was gradual. I just know that I looked up one day and realized I hadn’t heard him say any words for a long time.
I don’t know if he woke up one and stopped looking at us and interacting with us, I just know that one day I realized that he wasn’t paying attention to the rest of us. All I really know is that I thought he was a regular little boy and then one day I realized that maybe he wasn’t.
When they ask if he was sick, or injured or if anything sudden happened to him, it feels like they are saying that I did something wrong and I caused him to be this way. I am afraid to accidentally say the wrong thing because what if that means they give him the wrong diagnosis.
I know it is silly to stress myself out this way, I guess it is because somewhere in the back of my mind, in the deepest, darkest recesses of my heart, I am afraid that something I did, caused my little boy to be this way. In my soul, I am afraid that a mistake I made may have doomed my boy to a lifetime of difficulties and I know it would break my heart if I ever found out that I did this to him.
The thing is he went from taking pictures like this:
To taking pictures like this (and I can’t pinpoint exactly when that happened):